Thoughts

I was in love! I was so in love... I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone else in the world. I did everything I could to keep you happy! It came to the point where I was so unhappy, but I stayed because I loved you so much. I would have done anything to spend the rest of my life with you even though I was so unhappy.

I started to have feelings for someone else, and because of my unhappiness I decided it was time to leave and I thought it unfair that I had thoughts of another person while I was with you. Though you never thought it fair to care for me or deal with any problems that came up. You thought it was ok to lie to me, and though I only knew for sure about one lie, I know deep down there were more.

So i met someone else, someone I have once again fell in love with. But as luck would have it, I am unwanted. They claim they are not ready to commit, though its quite funny every so often someone new pops into their life and they seem to be ready to be with that person. I told you once how I felt, and from then on I have dropped no hints that these feelings still exist. I play as though I do not care about you. I have become able to play pretend. I can hide my feelings from the world.

You have once again unknowingly hurt me. I should learn, I should know better. But you can not help you love. So I will continue being hurt until the day that I can leave and have no rememberance of you. I hate caring, I hate pretending, I hate you for being so fun and perfect in my eyes.

A fire

I sit in the cafeteria at school with a poutine to share with my friend. A bunch of us are sitting around talking. I'm starving so I just start eating, shoving fries in my mouth. I'm half way done my side of the poutine and I suddenly realize how fast I'm eating. I slow down, hoping I caught myself in time. I know better than to eat so fast. I finish up and sit there. I feel it coming. I can't even explain what that feeling is. I just KNOW.

I go to the bathroom.. false alarm. GO back to the cafeteria, sit there quietly and listen to everyone talk. Try to focus! The pain starts to surface. I know I gotta hurry. I pack up my stuff and walk quickly to the bathroom. The closest secluded one i can find. I run into the stall and throw my books on the floor. I start pulling out the toilet paper to cover the seat.. who knows who sits in here. "Why the hell do they not have toilet seat covers in bathrooms anymore?" i think to myself... that would save me so much time! My stomach is burning! It feels like someone is having a bonfire in my there!!!! I wanna curl up in the fetal position. I sit down...and here it comes...

Not in there very long, so i know its not the end. The burning is gone... for now. I decide to leave. I walk out the front door, see someone I know. They wanna start talking, but I quickly say hi but keep walking. I make a b-line for the car. I get in, I can feel the burning coming back. I drive home, quick as I can. Good thing i live so close to school! The pain is gone. I park. SHIT, i lost my parking pass. I frantically look for it. The burning has returned, FUCK IT, i need to get inside. I run in, slamming the doors behind me. Into the bathroom i go... sitting there hunched over holding my stomach in pain..... i sit there... waiting... in pain... while my body cleans itself out

You

I have known you for years and for some reason we met again. And since that night we have been attached. You tell me I need to leave, you tell me you will hurt me. In certain ways that may be true. I care... I care for you more than you may believe. I don't know why I care so much, maybe its because i understand you... though i do not understand everything you do, i know some of your feelings, though you do not show them. I feel so close to you because I have told you things that I have not told others because I know you don't judge, I know you understand. Things have happened, and every time I do not leave you. You wonder why, you tell me to leave, you tell me to never see you, to never talk to you. I will do whatever you want me to do, I will do it for you! I just want you to know that I care, I want you to know that I love you! You are one of my best friends.

Un-named *Written Jan 27/07*

Broken heart

Teary eyes

Sometimes hiding

Behind my disguise

Do you love me

Or do you not

Because you are all

That I have got

Holding on

By a thread

Losing you

I what i dread

I never know

How you feel

Or if our relationship

Is even real

Do tell me now

And tell me true

Do you love me

Because I love you

That Day *Written in highschool*

Life was so upsetting

until the day you came around.

Before we spent that night together

I felt like dirt on the ground.

You really lift my spirits,

you make me feel so good.

I now have feelings for you

that I thought I never would.

After that one night,

you are all I think about.

Yes i do like you,

there is no percent of doubt.

I never thought you'd be the person

I'd have these feelings for.

But as I got to know you,

I liked you even more.

The change I have with you right now,

I do not want to blow.

Because it would totally break me

if I have to let you go.

Not There *Written in highschool*

I may look happy outside

but I'm pretty sad within.

I don't want to show my feelings

so all I do is grin.

Inside I'm crying

but outside I laugh

If I were to measure my feelings

they'd be at the bottom of the graph

I can't show people how I feel

or all they'll do it stare

but if you think thats me laughing

I'm not really there

Suicide *Written in highschool*

So you know what it feels like to want to die

Shove a sharp knife in your eye

Slit your wrists and watch them bleed

Get down on your knees and start to plead

Tie a noose around your neck

take a jump, what the heck..

get in your car, turn it on

from all the fumes, soon enough you'll be gone

Jump off a bridge with no bungee cord

why oh why must you do this to me lord

people thing about this stuff every day

I don't care what you say

This is what runs through my head

sometimes I just wish I was dead

Poem Un-named *Date written unknown*

Lies have filled your entire life

so now it's hard to trust.

You have found someone special

and you believe it's love not lust.

You don't know what your gonna do,

it's tearing you apart.

Would you really think of leaving him

and ripping up your heart?

You have a bad jealousy problem

and it makes you hurt so much.

But the one thing you can't resist

is the feel of his gentle touch.

Are you being played

or is he really true?

Or does he have someone else

or does he really like you?